Facebook status:
- Make love, not war. Hell, do both. Get married.
- The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
- If I could have anything in the world it would be to have the same finger prints as my enemy
- 2007: A phone that can replace your watch! 2014: Gosh, Back to watches again.
- Soon apple will control our lives. We’ll have to buy iBreathe to get fresh air
- Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.
- God died for our sins, so if you don’t sin god died for nothing
- Dear MATH, stop asking to find your X, she’s not coming back.
- Never look back. If Cinderella went to pick up her shoe, she would not had become a princess.:D
- If you lose your shoe at the end of the night, you’re not Cinderella. You’re probably just drunk.
- status: I can’t log into facebook
- I always learn from mistake of others who take my advice.
- Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.
- Dear God, please give us back Michael Jackson and in exchange we’ll give you Justin Bieber, Miley Cyrus and the Jonas Bros. Sincerely, Me.
- oh I’m sorry! i didn’t realise you were giving me a dirty look…i just thought you were ugly like that all the time!!
- We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police
- Warning!!! Aliens are coming to abduct all the sexy, beautiful people!! Don’t worry…you are OK. I just wanted to say “good-bye!”
- Today I sent out a text saying, “Hey, I lost my phone, will you call it?” 12 people called me…I need smarter friends.
- God made everything that has life, rest everything is made in China.
- Wanted to kill the sexiest person alive…But suicide’s a crime
- Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me 92,748 times, you are a weather man.
- Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
- My new voicemail: “If you have reached this recording, please hang up and text me.”
- If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
- when a girl says she’ll be ready in 5 more minutes, it’s the same as when a guy says the game has 5 minutes left.:D
- If you can’t Change a Girl…..Change the Girl.
- Girls spend the first 10 years of their lifes playing with barbies. The next 10 years of their lifes they try to look like one. (;
- Isn’t it odd how people kill flys just because they’re annoying? If people killed people for being annoying I would’ve died like 15 years ago.
- Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
- It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
- Every time I see an obese cop, a small part of me hopes he has to chase me.
- The guy who invented the Time Machine has just died…. RIP DAVE JONES 2187-2014
- In my body, where the shame gland should be, there is a second awesome gland. True story.
- When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep — not screaming, like the passengers in his car”
- Never interrupt your opponent while he’s making a mistake
- Doctors finally figured out whats wrong with a boys brain; on the left side, there’s nothing right; and on the right side, there’s nothing left
- How do people write an auto biography? I can barley remember what I had for lunch yesterday.
- My dinner stomach is full, but my dessert stomach still has room
- Why do Girls live Longer Than Boys? Ans: Shopping never Causes Heart Attacks, .. But Paying the Bill does.
- A friend is someone who will bail you out of jail. A best friend is the one sitting next to you saying ‘boy was that fun.
- The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
- I`m jealous of my parents, i`ll never have a kid as cool as theirs… –
- You have a point. It’s just not very sharp
- Does anyone know any bad guys I can turn in for a cash reward? Let me know
- Men are like mascara, they usually run at the first sign of emotion.
- I follow the quote, “Always be true to yourself” because I only lie to others!
- Life hack: If whenever someone asks your opinion on something you say, “Now thats-a spicy meatball!” people will learn not to ask you things.
- Anyone want to be fake engaged for two hours so we can eat cake samples?
- Relationship status: sleeping in my bed diagonally
- Why do cops ask us why we think they pulled us over? It’s their job. I don’t go to the station and ask why they think I created a powerpoint.
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